The Watchmen as a Saturday Morning Cartoon

Saturday Morning Watchmen by Happy Harry on Newgrounds.

Mercenaries as Additional Horseman of the Apocalypse

...private armies, the hired defenders of property, the sure precursors of anarchy.

W S Churchill on problems
in England after the Black Death in
The History of English Speaking People

Mashup of The Watchmen and 1984

General Mung Beans on AH.com has a new thread that is a mashup of The Watchmen and 1984. If you are a fan of both or either classics check it out.

Update
For more reworkings of The Watchmen, Slate has a slide show of The Watchmen by different directors.

US as Zimbabwe

At worst if the States really had problems they would descend to level of Brazil, a country that should be rich. But to be compared to the basket case Zimbabwe, or as I like to call Rhodesia stupidified, is a terrible fate.

Peace in Our Time - Photo Mashup of Obama and Chamberlan

Russian Business Associates

In yesterday's Globe there was a story on the slaying of Glen Davis, Loans that 'went south' shed light on Davis killing. Apparently his nephew who is implicated in the murder has "Russian business associates". I would trust someone with "Russian business associates" about as much as someone with a "Colombian import/export business". In many countries when businesses and indivioduals have disputes they get what is called a "hired gun", a slang term for a lawyer. However when "Russian business associates" have business disputes they engage "hired guns" who really are hired guns.

So You Wanna Whack Hitler - Exciting Offer Enclosed

Here is short story, Missives from Possible Futures #1: Alternate History Search Results by John Scalzi, in the form of an advertising circular from an time travel company. Since Hitler is such a popular target the company offers a number of prearranged assassination methods.

Speaking on the unpopularity of Nazism coupled with odd popularity of communism (see past post Cheney Less Popular than a Pedophile, Murderer or Tyrant). Neo Nazis in this day and age are vanishingly rare, thank god, but people who can argue with a straight face that you can't blame the buckets of blood that Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot shed on communism because theoretically none of these psychos practiced communism. Their definition is that "communism" is a state of bliss that has been worked towards but never achieved. Today I talked to guy carrying his cat home from vet who argued with a straight face about the need for revolution. Commies, especially those you gloss over the 20th century, should be treated with the same contempt and derision as Neo Nazis, merely the fanboys of murderers.

TV and Other Fiction Tropes

TV Tropes.com are compendium of a different wats and techniques of telling stories. In the words of TVTropes.com:

Tropes are devices and conventions that a writer can reasonably rely on as being present in the audience members' minds and expectations. On the whole, tropes are not clichés. The word clichéd means "stereotyped and trite". In other words, dull and uninteresting. We are not looking for dull and uninteresting entries. We are here to recognize tropes and play with them, not to make fun of them.

Wander around in this site and recognize all the parts of your favorite stories you have loved and enjoyed.

How To Be On Jeopardy

Josh Fruhlinger, the curator of Comics Curmudgeon blog recently was on Jeopardy. Read his thrilling account of the nerve wracking spectacle that is Jeopardy.

Trivia Question #2

What is the one award that is one award that has been awarded to Lawrence Welk, Eric Sevareid, Louis L'Amour, Peggy Lee, Warner Christopher and Master Sergeant Wilson Keebler? I mean what does a band leader, a newsman, a writer, a singer, a beltway insider and a WWII senior NCO have in common?

Manitoban MLA from Riding Named After Convicted Traitor Wants to Change This Flag

Manitoba flag outdated, says NDP

WINNIPEG -- Manitoba should adopt a new flag, because the current one - as well as that of Ontario - is an archaic symbol of British rule, say some grassroots members of Manitoba's governing New Democrats.

Manitoba's flag "is outdated and a relic from the days of our former British colonial heritage," reads a resolution by the NDP's Riel constituency association in south Winnipeg. The resolution is on the agenda of the provincial party's annual convention next month.

"Manitoba's flag is often confused with Ontario's flag, with the only difference being a bison ... instead of three maple leaves."

Both provinces' flags are similar to the Red Ensign that Canada used as a national flag prior to adopting the maple leaf design in 1965. There is a red background, a Union Jack in the upper left corner, and a provincial symbol toward the bottom right corner.

In 2001, a U.S.-based volunteer group of flag enthusiasts called the North American Vexillological Association ranked the flags of 72 states, provinces, territories and districts. Ontario and Manitoba placed 43rd and 44th respectively.

The group criticized flags that were not distinctive, and praised those with simple, bold designs such as Quebec's fleur-de-lis, which ranked third behind Texas and New Mexico.

The Riel constituency association is proposing the government hold a provincewide public contest to develop a new flag. But any change is likely to be an uphill battle.

Manitoba's opposition Progressive Conservatives say the current flag is an important symbol of the province's roots.

"Certainly many of our traditions came here as a result of the British democratic parliamentary system," Tory Leader Hugh McFadyen said.

Premier Gary Doer did not comment. A spokesman for the Premier's office said Mr. Doer attends conventions to listen to debates and "not prejudge what [the] convention may or may not pass."

Student Loan Scams

Student loans are often the one type of loan that can't be discharged in bankruptcy. Here is an angry discussion on this issue from On Point, The Dark Side of Student Loans. The cartoon above is Fighting Words by Abell Smith. This cartoonist is part of Cartoonists with Attitude the same group that Ted Rall belongs to.

Risk and Reward for Bankers

From Alex a wonderful argument on risk and reward.

Ad for for the Giant Hitachi Dash-6 Excavators

(From Mining.com)

Old Photograph of Serra Pelada.Open Pit Mine

The photos yesterday of the gold mining in the Congo, Men Who Moil for Gold, reminded me of the Amazonian gold rush in the early 1980's where at Serra Pelada a mountain was leveled and then turned into a 100 metre deep pit by hand. The photographer Sebastião Salgado made his name with images from this mine. There was a documentary made of this gold rush but I can not find it. Maybe the other mining fans know the name of it. Here is a long (90 minutes) discussion of his work from the Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism.

For even more information about Sebastião Salgado here is a documentary, Looking Back at You, on him and his work, (pt1, pt2, pt3, pt4, pt5 and pt6). In this documentary an art critic say that photos like the one above give him an idea what the construction of the Pyramids must of looked like.

The US is Undertaxing Itself to Bankruptcy

Chart from an NY Times article about the book, The Tyranny of Dead Ideas.

Men Who Moil for Gold

Great pictures of Congolese artisanal hydraulic miners from Reuters' Finbarr O'Reilly.

"Men who moil for gold" is a quote from Robert Service's The Cremation of Sam Magee.

Punchcard Art

The above image is from an exhibit of art made on unpunched punchcards from 1965, Do Not Fold, Bend, Spindle or Mutilate: Computer Punch Card Art - Virtual Exhibition. Recently on Boingboing there was an article on the worth of old and sometimes rare things, The Trough of No Value, that suggests objects travel through. After looking at this I wonder if there are more boxes of unused punch cards out there. Will there be enough examples left for future historians or archeologtists of mid twenith century computers to study. Will there be preserved data centres in the same way there are preserved railway lines where hobbyists work hard to recreate the technology of a vanished era.

Computers Blown Up Real Good

Today's slashdot has a story, When Servers Explode, about poor hard hardworking computers being bent, spindled and mutilated unto to death after years of faithful service. "Blown up real good". The article has links to many, many horrible tech snuff films.

Short Term Thinking in Business and Politics

(click on comic strip for larger image)

Prince of Slaves Probably was a Slave Owner Himself

Because of comment in an NPR segment about on black history month, Do We Need A Black History Month? someone mentioned an actual West African price who was a slave. Abdulrahman Ibrahim Ibn Sori was a prince of Kingdom of Fouta Djallon in the highlands of Guinea, which oddly enough had as a capital a town/city called Timbo. As a teenager he had studied in Timbuktu. In his twenties after leading his father's troop to defeat was captured and sold into slavery.This was a personal tragedy for him it must be asked if previously he had sold POWs into slavery. Slavery was practiced by moslem kingdoms in West Africa. The slave trade in West Africa and East Africa was only wiped by force of arms. However slavery is still "popular" in muslin Africa. One of the motives of the Sudanese government forces in Darfur as well as in Sudan's Christian south was enslavement. The final little kicker is that Wiki ascribes the downfall of Timbuktu with competition from European trading ports on the coast:

The city began to decline after explorers and slavers from Portugal and then other European countries landed in West Africa, providing an alternative to the slave market of Timbuktu and the trade route through the world's largest desert.

This Prince of Slaves lived in countries that enslaved, probably owned slaves, probably enslaved those he captured and studied in fabled Timbuktu which had along with its cattle, camel, salt and gold markets also had a noted slave market.

The comment made by Eve Sander (evergreeen), which she triple posted, is taken by as a bad example of "celebrating" history as a means to personal affirmation and self esteem. History shouldn't make you feel better, that is what beer is for, it should inform, enlighten and even disturb the reader.

GINI Ratios Since WWII

For more information on GINI ratios here the Wiki page for GINI Coefficients, where I also got this graph.

The Bottom of Top 1% of US Households not that Well Off.

From the blog Visualizing Economics comes this graph of the top 1% of US households. Instead of viewing this group as a whole it divides them into 4 groups: the 99% to 99.5%, the 99.5% to 99.9%, the 99.9% to 99.99% and the top 0.01%. One can sort of understand the anger of the top investment bankers demoted from the top 11,ooo families down to the "proles" with as many as half a million households above than them "earning" more money.

The problem with the cost of living in certain areas like New York, LA and Washington is the high concentration of billionaires and multimillionaires. This expands service industry for the wealthy but causes psychic pain to the the merely well off. The lower edges of the top 1% who would feel wealthier in other communities if not for the competition with many more people that have 5, 10 , 50 and 100 times more money. In other times and places it was colonels being outbid by generals when on campaign the supply of luxuries and even necessities was limited. Whereas in their regitmental depots colonels could feel wealthier.

On a related note here is a an article by Michael Lewis, The Mansion: a Sub Prime Parable. Michael Lewis has been a successful writer and commentator for 2 decades. He has reached that pinnaclethat many aspire, where he can make a living and even a a good living writing. The impression in this article is that he is in the top 1%. However when he moves back to New Orleans he rents a house that could only really be afforded by someone in the top 0.01%, that is by someone truly rich.

Scene Almost out of movie The Day After Tomorrow

The above looks like a giant ice stalagmite formed when a pipe burst in a abandoned shopping mall. In reality this is a mass of ice purpose built in a Swiss stadium for Ice Cimbing championships. If you look at image below you can see a climber and tiers of spectators.

(from Pruned)

Coffee For Zombies

It Isn't Easy Being A Flower

It isn't easy being a flower as this animation, Such is Life..., by DHaynes, shows.

The End of The News

For more fun and depressing news about the death capital N News here is a radio discussion, The Future of the News.

(Cartoon by Ted Rall)

Higher Costs and Less Value

In the recent controversy about the US government forcing pay ceilings on bailed out bankers and the UK enacting similar punitive schemes on banks they bought many have complained that banks will be unable to recruit or keep the talented, see Living On Half A Million In NYC. The apologists for the corrupt and/or incompetent bankers complain that quality has a price and no one is willing to work for nothing. However when one looks at the sweep of history this is not quite clear.

There have been jobs and sectors that in the past were much more remunerative. But today we see that these jobs will not longer a path to riches can attract as good or even better people. When some jobs are so rewarding a couple things happen society as a whole over invests in these type of jobs. Second such overly rich posts attract people more interested in the the pay than the work or vocation .

Up until recently, less than 200 years ago, there are two types of "public sector" jobs that used to be much more highly rewarded. In the past senior religious and military officials used to be better paid in both relative and absolute terms. Bishops would and could build palaces, administer trusts and sometimes rule in their own right as temporal rulers. see The Barchester Chronicles. Popes used to be able lay up fortunes for themselves, their clans and their "nephews". When the Papacy was rich and powerful the only type of person who crawled his way upwards was someone dedicated to the pursuit wealth and power 24/7. Clerics still aspire to sees and bishoprics however they do so knowing that the reward will be mostly be in heaven then on earth. Successful generals and admirals could make fortunes large enough to keep their families rich for generations, see John Churchill). That was then now senior officers can only make a fortune if take over their governments, like Nasser, Gaddafi, Idi Amin, the Burmese Junta and other assorted thugs and malcontents. However at this point they are no longer strictly military officers and in the case of Nasser not even competent ones.

The message of history is paying fortunes means getting aggressive and ambitious losers.

Good and Bad Exemplary Druggies

...that as Chancellor of Germany Adolf Hitler made some very poor policy and strategic decisions, at least some of which might be attributed to the daily injections of amphetaimes his doctor had him on after ’42 or so, and that the bad end to which he ultimately came was a direct result of his own poor judgment. Among others, he committed the most famous of the classic blunders: Never Get Involved in the Land War in Asia. A textbook meth-head move. In a clichéd denoument straight out of so many drug education filmstrips, he ended up shooting his wife and himself in an underground bunker while the Russian army closed in around his crumbling empire and his body was doused in gasoline and set on fire, and now he is the most hated person in world history. "You see? You see what happens, Larry? This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass." -Walter Sobchak.

Tim Kreider explaining his cartoon, What Can You Do On Drugs?, that while Michael Phelps, William Faulkner and Miles Davis were able to perform under the influence Hitler did not quite succeed when high on amphetamines.

Muslim Ban on Yoga

So several Muslim authorities have banned the practice of yoga, by Muslims because of its Hindu or Kaffir origin, see report by The Guardian. I am surprised that other Muslim authorities and propagandists haven't claimed that Yoga is a purely Muslim invention like the zero another ancient Indian invention.

A commenter, xyberia, on one of The Guardian reports on this laughable story calls the MUI, the Indonesian Ulema Council, the Indonesia governmental Muslim "brain trust" as Many Unintelligent Individuals.

UPDATE

Here is an old but relevant story on anti-yoga activities in Malaysia from my friend's blog The Eleventh Hour.

The Day the Muzak Died

According to reports the Muzak Corporation has filed for Chapter 11. In rosier times bankrupt companies were found it easy to borrow new money and to refinance their debt. Currently in the states even people and organizations with good credit are having problems borrowing money. What hope does a zombie corp have in getting brains, sorry I mean refinancing.

The Destructiveness of Swords

The Destructiveness of Swords

In this day and age of age of cheap semiautomatic weapons we forget hiw effective swords can be. Swords can be effective at close range (>1 metre) and in enviroment where it is difficult and impossible to shoot more than 3 rounds a minutes. Here and above is concise demostration on the power of the sword. When I first saw this I realized, if anything, that Dungeons & Dragons underestimated the the damage that a single sword can inflict.

Remember, go to cold steel for all your blade needs.

Animals who Butcher and the Humans Who Excuse Them

Christie Blatchford latest piece comes down hard on Taliban murderers who saw the heads off their victims, Sanitizing atrocity serves only Taliban's interests. In the comments section most were more offended by our own armed forces who are combating the Taliban, then by the Taliban / Moslim / Al Queda /islamically motivated murderers / terrorists / bandits / jihadi shits who find religious justifications to blow up schools and rape 8 year-olds. Unfortunately in the same way that fanboys of Stalin could be found while he was straving the Ukraine lots idiots / fellow travelers / true believers / adventurers / traitors / thrill seekers / sincere patsies /conspirators can be found to cheer on the people who want to kill us.

Newsweek Praises Canada - Trolls Reacts

The editor of Newsweek has a piece in his latest issue about Canada's good fiscal management, Worthwhile Canadian Initiative. The piece points out our the lack of a banking crisis, a decade long record of of trade, current account and federal government surpluses.

The comments are filled with the kind of badly spelled knee jerk reaction that one can expect on the web. Following are some of the more insightful and stupid comments to this piece.

Insulting
harrylogy: Frozenbutts,your banks don't fail for the same reason that dwarfs don't fall out of windows...They both r not big enough...

Illiterate and illogical
harrylogy: u pose as a doctor & u cannot even write " colleagues " correctly...

Crazy Anarchism
plinius_caecilius:
The real "success" of Canada isn't that they had more regulation, but that they had less government distortion of the market. If Canada had unregulated banks in addition to not distorting the home market they'd be doing even better than they are now. This merely illustrates once again that government isn't the solution to our problems, government is the problem.

Finally a Canadian reaction to being noticed.
weilim: I think the article is a bit overboard with the beaver loving.

Bad Project Mangement

Some engineers and astronauts at NASA have produced a short video about the bureaucratic barriers to good engineering. Here also is a NPR story about this short video.

The Uses and Abuses of History on TVO

Here is a panel discussion between some professional historians. The program repeats at 11:00 PM EST.

Phelps Likes Pot and Who Cares

There are two issues with the big stupid fake controversy about Phelps taking a bong hit. First can we just get away from the concept of "role model". If the last US El Presidente could be an alcoholic coke head what is to stop an athlete to from being normal. This issues goes back to the sometimes disconnect between professional and personal ethics. If Phelps was found to cheating with performance enhancing drugs like steroids that would be a much worse offence because of the long term nature training with steroids. In the same way I would consider a hitman with a long and successful career to be worse than a one time "civilian" murderer.

Wage Peaks for the Financial Industry and Economic Slowdowns

The chronicles of the grossly overpaid have led to an over investment in Wall Street stravingthe rest of the economy and society. Read more in the article where this chart is from,Wall Street Paychecks May Wither.

Another Global Warming Applet

A thread on AH.com, Uber Global Warming, gave a link to this site, Effect of a change in sea level on worldwide topography. This tol will also show the effect of a lower sea level.

How to Get Hate Mail from 8 Year Olds

Downgrade Pluto from planet to a Trans-Neptunian object. Then as Neil deGrasse Tyson found out you get misspelled death threats written in crayon.

Watch interview on the Daily Show here.

The Benes Decrees Still Making Diplomatic Waves

The UN has 192 member nations but there are still countries out there that are either unrecognized or only partially recognized. The number of unrecognized countries is surprising small. There are some rebel breakaway regions in the Caucasus or in the Western Sahara and Somaliland. There are some non state regions that are a product of international efforts for "peace", like Kosovo and Arab occupied Judea, Samaria and Gaza. Taiwan isn't recognized by the same countries that recognize Communist China. There is mutual nonrecognition by the 2 Koreas and their closest friends and allies. The Turks are occupying northern Cyprus and have set up a puppet government. These are all semi-familiar international disputes.

When the Berlin Wall came down and the Soviet Union collapsed many of the last unresolved issues of WWII were settled. I was wrong. the Duchy of Liechtenstein has a long standing dispute with Czech and Slovakia dating back to when Czechoslovakia, as a consequence of the Benes Decrees, seized some property of the late Duke of Liechtenstein.

I know this old news.

Religious Muslim Snuff Film

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It is shell company hidden in a Swiss trust wrapped in a dummy corporation.

Investigator in The Mentalist S01E004
channeling Churchill's remarks about the commies.

Murder Suspects

You been spurned. And next to the spurned lover the spurned employee rides shotgun on the homicide chuck wagon.

Emerson Cod, Pushing Daisies S02E06
to an aggrieved magic assistant.

Complex Debt Instrurments Reborn

HA HA

Politically Correct Lawyers

These men are good men. These men worked for Ronald Reagan.

Adaleen Grant speaking to Roman Grant
in lockup about the quality of defense lawyers.
Big Love S03E01

Unsold Cars Clogging the Planet

The Guardian has a photo series on the unsold cars stored in new and different places, Growing stocks of unsold cars around the world. The above image is ambiguous as there are cars often stored at ports and other places. however this image below of a test track being filled with unsold cars is a more telling image then full or fullish car lots.

"The Founders' Great Mistake"

It is no coincidence that the point newly "liberated" country really goes down hill is when the big man changes his title to "president". Today monarchies are bastions of freedom and republics are inhumane tyrannies. Here, The Founders' Great Mistake, is an article from The Atlantic about how the American presidency was misdesigned from the start.

Squirrel Racism

...not by the color of their fur but by content of their nut sacks.

Stephen Colbert, January 13, 2009

Nerdom and D&D

When will young people learn that Dungeons & Dragons won't make you cool.

Philip J Fry, Futurama - Bender's Game

How Hamas Hates Children

In the current war between Hamas and Israel let us remember that Hamas is in the wrong.

Franken and Coulter Speculate on Being Hitler and FDR

I posted this video on AH.com, Ann Coulter as FDR and Al Franken as Hitler. In AH.com there is a type of what-if known as YWUA or you wake up as. What was surprising was the many trolls who denounced Al Franken as a baby eating left-wing extremist. Now I have met actual people, deceptively sane raving lunatics, who think that Stalin was a great man. That is madness. Being moderately on the left of the American political spectrum is not.

Nuke your Neighbourhood

Ground Zero is a Google map mashup created to map blast patterns from a number of popular nuclear bomb on an address of your choice.

I know we are supposed to be appalled by the prospect of nuclear weapons. When Little Boy and Fatman were used at the end of WWII there were not the radical innovations is inhumanity that we view them today. WWII saw the devlopment of mass bombing fleets and 1000 boomber raids. Dresden,Warsaw and Tokyo were burned with what we would consider today to be low tech unguided munitions. Atomic bombs gave hope of saving aircrews. That was then. Now a raft of guided missiles is cheaper and simpler to use than stategetic weapons. A small number of city killers will still be needed but tactical nukes don't give enough freedom of action.

Doug and Bob are Back (Animated)

The Popularity of Bankers, Now and in the Past

In Alex this Monday, the first since a couple of weeks before Christmas. Follw the rest of this story line at the Alex website

Bush and Really Good Friend

In reaction to the image above and story about how the Saudis want to US to save Hamas from themselves a commenter brought the Treehouse Horror episode where both Dole and Clinton are replaced by aliens.

George:

Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.

Kang:

We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

-- "Treehouse of Horror VII"

Couldn't Happen to a Nicer Group of Psychopaths

"Israel bombed more than 40 security compounds, including two where Hamas was hosting graduation ceremonies for new recruits."

Israel kills 208 in air assault on Gaza Strip.
Montreal Gazette December 26, 2008

The above are NOT civilian causalities. These legitimate military targets on a military base. In Hamas occupied Gaza and in the rest Arab world they are complaining that some of heroes of Hamas never got a chance to kill Jewish children.

The High Holidays

...and let not mankind bogart love.

Willie Nelson song "The Little Dealer Boy"
in a Colbert Christmas Special

For the definition of "bogart".

Update 12/25/08
to add youtube video.

Don't Make Santa Angry

And I say again.
Don't make Santa Angry!
This short animation, Santa's Last Stop, is a warning to all who anger Santa.

Class Struggle in Forbes Magazine

A Forbes writer discussing the NY senate seat that Caroline Kennedy wants to inherit, "Good-Bye, Gentry", does something unusual for a business magazine. He half admits that the US has a class structure. I say half admits because although he writer, Joel Kotkin, describes in great detail how the US Democratic Party is run by and for the benefit of a segment of the wealthy population he doesn't continue with an analysis of the US Republican party as by and for a segment of the wealthy population. The difference in the two parties is the vote banks they maintain, cultivate and ultimately ignore. The Democrats have minorities and Republicans have southern whites and like populations.

Orson Welles Almost did Batman

According to a 5 year old article at Comic Book Resources, Orson Welles and Bat-Man, Orson Welles wanted to make a movie adaptation of Batman. At the time the character was about a decade old. He wanted to cast himself, the studio wanted Gregory Peck. An actor who who is and can play best characters that are decent human beings, see all of Pecks most heralded roleslike Atticus Finch, as opposed to the monsters that Welles played so convincingly. Similarly I saw an old interview with Ray Bradbury. Bradbury was hired by John Huston to adapt Moby Dick. Bradbury suggests that Huston would have better played Ahab than Peck. Huston being more of the monster.

The idea of a Wellesian Batman has excited the related groups of cinepliles, comic book fans and fans of comic book movies. Here are some three trailers of a possible Welles Batman movie. This story has also excited the interest of Magniac on AH.com, he suggest a scenario that ASBs or Alien Space Bats, would think this idea so cool that they would bend reality to make it happen. In alternative history ASB is personification of the principle of deus ex machina.

Is Eating Mythical Humanoids Cannibalism?

Why Barney Never Became an Astronaut

This is a reference to [1F13] Deep Space Homer where Barney and Homer compete for a spot on the space shuttle.

Iraqi Ambassador on the "Shoe Tosser"

Tosser is just another name for wanker.

Wile E Coyote Sues Acme

An oldie from By Ian Frazier that appeared in The New Yorker Magazine, 26 February 1990


UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT

SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT OF ARIZONA
Tempe, Arizona

Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding

________________________________
WILE E. COYOTE, §
Plaintiff §
v. § CIVIL ACTION NO. B19294
§
ACME COMPANY, §
Defendant §
________________________________

OPENING STATEMENT OF HAROLD SCHOFF,

COUNSEL FOR PLAINTIFF

By Mr. Schoff:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, 'Defendant'), through that company's mail order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in the profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment, the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or non-existent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme 'Little Giant' Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78) climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.

2. Sooty discoloration.

3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.

4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.

5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, where upon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and the sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

by Ian Frazier, The New Yorker Magazine, 26 February 1990

UPDATE
On Alternative History.com Doragon provides this defense of the ACME corporation

Your honor, I am Doragon speaking on behalf of ACME Inc.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury. On behalf of ACME, I would like to offer out most sincere condolences for Mr. Coyote. No one should have to go through the level of pain and suffering. But I would care to ask, how do you come about our product? Did you order it online? Who gave you a credit card? Did you pick it up from our warehouse? How did you get in? We don’t allow animals into our building. How did you pay for the items? Do you have a job?

Members of the Jury, I would like to present evidence to show you that not only are our products safe and reliable, but that Mr. Coyote hasn’t been properly using our products. There is plenty of reasonable doubt in this case. There is no way Mr. Coyote could have purchased our products, not legally anyway. And if he did procure our inventions, he did not follow the instructions.

I give you exhibit A. The is actually footage of Mr. Coyote assembling some rocket shoes, presumably to help him catch and kill a defenseless creature. In this footage, you can see Mr. Coyote not even LOOK at the directions. Instead, he simply places the shoes on, and lights a match. IF he had read the directions, he would have known that you must first adjust the settings on the rockets so that they are optimal for your weight.

Your honor, as you could see, Mr. Coyote didn’t read the directions. Furthermore, he was using the devices in over 80 cases of attempted murder. Not only is ACME Inc. not liable, but we are intending to counter-sue Mr. Coyote for slander. He has single handedly caused our stocks to drop each time he used our products. Every time he went off a cliff wearing something with “ACME” written on it, we had lay-off hard working men and women. We are seeking 45 million dollars for damages and fees.

Black Box Debt Instruments and Particle Physics

In a thread on slashdot about teething problems are the LHC, Photos of the Damage To the Large Hadron Collider, see here for photos, there is also comment at the recent failure of American physics. There was a plan in the late 20th century by the Americans to build the SSC, an even bigger particle accellerator than the LHC, however when the cost was going to exceed $12 billion, a third the cost of the B-2 bombers, it was cancelled. This has led to a lost generation of american physicists, or worse the use of physicists to design complicated financial structures on Wall Street.

On the posters in this thread, idontgno, provides a cautionary tale.

And by another odd coincidence, other particle physicists took a detour into Wall Street, where they applied their advanced mathematical knowledge to creating exotic derivatives like Credit Default Swaps

That's the scariest correlation I've heard in a long time.

(credit bank VP) : "'Morning, Erwin, how's the CDO hedge working out? Makin' the firm some megabux?"
(ex-physicist) : "Maybe we did, maybe we didn't."

In the end, the VP opened Erwin Schrödinger's books, collapsed the quantum superposition of mortgage debt obligations, and found that the economy was dead.

Scary German Robots

Sign no Deals in the Bavarian Capital

Real Life Mario Kart

Waterslide Through Life

The Large Hadron Collider Creates Utopia

...at least according to this flash, The Greatest Idea Ever, on Newgrounds.

Bus Stop Trick

Boogley Bus Stop from Newgrounds.

Ninja Kittens have Something to do with Selling Cars

History Repeats

Vetting Barry Soetoro

In the big todo about the vetting questionnaire that the embryonic Obama administration is exciting the blogosphere. Many have pointed out the hypocrisy of during the campaign(s) saying that friends and associates don't matter and now insisting on the opposite. In the comments of one blogpost at ABC a Tero remarks:

It appears that Obama couldn't get a job in his own administration. Admitted cocaine use, long standing membership in a racist church, political associationships with admitted terrorists, communists and marxists, sweetheart real estate deal with a convicted felon, refusal to produce college transcripts, refusal to produce articles and college thesis authored by him, association with candidate for Kenyan presidency, and on and on. He should fire himself immediately.

At Sound Politics a blogpost gives this suming up of Barry Soetoro/Barack Obama/Barry Obama:

It appears that we have elected a president with the charm of Kennedy, the ideology of Carter and the paranoia of Nixon.

Reality as Photoshop

(from Ads of the World)
(click on to enlarge)

The Irresponsible Little People Who have to Save the Bankers

End of Wall Street

Check out Michael Lewis's article, the End of Wall Street. The promo line for the article describes it well.

The era that defined Wall Street is finally, officially over. Michael Lewis, who chronicled its excess in Liar’s Poker, returns to his old haunt to figure out what went wrong.

In the end lays much of the problem at how many financial firms have changed from private partnership to public companies.

Dog of Man

Warning: this, Dog of Man, is an extremely disturbing animation from the Newgrounds artist Doki. Watch at your own peril.

"So You Want to Boycott israel?" - Ironical Instructions

Nun's Discipline

I was a thug. I was scolded by nuns.

Bill O'Reilly on his
third grade
education, crimes and punishment
Daily Show 13/11/2008

Obama as a Mythological Character

(from Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden)

As far back as last spring, also when this editorial cartoon was printed, an OpEd piece in the LA Times by David Ehrenstein, Obama the 'Magic Negro, refered to how THE ONE's worshipers see Bambi as a magical being, a magic negro, who well solve all of life's problems.

For as with all Magic Negroes, the less real he seems, the more desirable he becomes. If he were real, white America couldn't project all its fantasies of curative black benevolence on him.

Mr Lux - Hotelier with Super Powers

Misanthropes Unite

Anyone can hate humanity after getting shot. It takes a big man to hate it beforehand.

House commenting
on an agoraphobic mugging victim,
HouseS05E07

Islamophobia not Hatred - Pat Condell

Personally I don't do hate speech because I think hate is a self destructive emotion and therefore rather a stupid one. But I do a pretty good line in disdain and contempt speech...

Pat Condell in
Islam's war on freedom

The Obamanation Secret Plan

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Scientology not as Dangerous as Islam

I personally consider Scientology to be a stupid creed, but I haven't heard about many people living in fear that Tom Cruise will cut off their head while quoting poems of L. Ron Hubbard and then post a video of the deed on the Internet.

Fjordman in essay
Islam, the West and Our "Shared Heritage"

The Tetris of Interior Decorating

Obama Cultists Now Very Boring

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

NEWS ALERT: Humans Behavior Cannot be fully Predicted

“To confuse the model with the world is to embrace a future disaster driven by the belief that humans obey mathematical rules.”

Emanuel Derman, Physicist employed
by Goldman Sachs quoted
In Modeling Risk, the Human Factor Was Left Out.

Lots of other ideologies/idealists have confronted this problem before. In other times and places reality/minds/bodies/memory have bent and distorted to fit perfection of the word. A worse fate than a couple of lost billions.

US Govenments Dodge Taxes, Adminster Tax Dodges and Crack Down on Tax Dodges

There was/is a clever scheme to capture the rise in value of capital assets while continue to use and enjoy such assets. These deals could also be structured to create losses. In the near past a number of US federal, state and local government agencies got involved in some of these deals with AIG, which were collateralized. Now that AIG has been rescued from their folly one part of the US federal government will probably be going to administer tax shelters for local government agencies that the IRS deems to be NOT legitimate financial engineering.

Read the silly story here.

Odd Pro Confederate Ballad

...I killed a tent of Yankees / I'd like kill some more...

Can You Take a Joke?

There has to be advertising for people without a sense of humor.

Don Draper, Mad Men S02E01

Used Clothing Shopping with Friday

Friday needs a coat. This gentleman needs a coat no longer.

Shambling, Brain Eating Monsters for Bambi

(from bekosh at AH.com)

Remember in Cook County Illinois the dead have voted in the past. Shouldn't the walking also be allowed to exercise their franchise.

Dangerous Gas Sucking Insect Shaped Cars

The Business Consultant

And business consultants wonder why people see them as talentless hacks with no experience. Increased spending on consultants are generally a sign that company has too much money and too little brains.

Pet Peeve: the Times versus The Times.

This is a major annoyance of mine. There is an actual difference between the Times and The Times and the London Times. There is no newspaper named the The London Times. There Is the The Times which because of its reputation has spawned numerous copycats/tributes. There is The India Times, The Irish Times , The Strait Times, The Los Angeles Times and of course The New York Times. It has been the practice of people writing from New York to abbreviate The New York Times to the Times this then entails the describing The Times as the London Times. I find this very annoying. It makes a lot of historical research difficult and cumbersome.